*Grin* Funnies for Monday....
NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN
DAMNITOL
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.
EMPTYNESTROGEN
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till theymoved out.
ST. MOMMA'S WORT
Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.
PEPTOBIMBO
Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.
DUMBEROL
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.
FLIPITOR
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
MENICILLIN
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person. "
BUYAGRA
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.
JACKASSPIRIN
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday,anniversary, phone number, or to lift the toilet seat.
ANTI-TALKSIDENT
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager toshare their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
NAGAMENT
When administered to a boyfriend or husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him.
‘‘‘‘‘‘‘‘
It was snowing heavily and blowing to the point that visibility was almost zero when the little blonde got off work.
She made her way to her car and wondered how she was going to make it home.
She sat in her car while it warmed up and thought about her situation. She finally remembered her daddy's advice that if she got caught in a blizzard she should wait for a snow plow to come by and follow it.
That way she would not get stuck in a snow drift.
This made her feel much better and sure enough in a little while a snow plow went by and she started to follow it.
As she followed the snow plow she was feeling very smug as they continued and she was not having any problem with the blizzard conditions.
After an hour had passed, she was somewhat surprised when the snowplow stopped and the driver got out and came back to her car and signaled for her to roll down her window.
The snow plow driver wanted to know if she was all right as she had been following him for a long time. She said that she was fine and told him of her daddy's advice to follow a snow plow when caught in a blizzard.
The driver replied that it was ok with him and she could continue if she wanted, but he was done with the Wal-Mart parking lot and was going over to Sears next.
Monday, January 22, 2007
Friday, January 19, 2007
A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and give a little speech at the dinner. He was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."
... Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk.
"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."
Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late
"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people."
... Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk.
"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the politician. "In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession."
Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late
Thursday, January 18, 2007
Water and Wine Education
It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli (E. Coli) Bacteria found in faeces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of Poo.
However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine , beer (or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.
WATER = Poo
WINE = HEALTH
Free yourself of Poo, drink WINE!!!
It is better to drink wine and talk shit than to drink water and be full of shit.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I am doing it as a public service.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.
The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father." The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many." The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."
The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar.
It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli (E. Coli) Bacteria found in faeces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of Poo.
However, we do not run that risk when drinking wine , beer (or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.
WATER = Poo
WINE = HEALTH
Free yourself of Poo, drink WINE!!!
It is better to drink wine and talk shit than to drink water and be full of shit.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I am doing it as a public service.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar that way.
The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father." The little boy replied, "My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that."
The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many." The boy said, "My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way."
The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of hundreds" and went back to reading his book.
The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear your pants backwards instead of your collar.
Monday, January 15, 2007
A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?""Yes" comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark."Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!" He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!"
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?""Yes" comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark."Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.
Friday, December 22, 2006
First sentence from the first post of each month in 2006.
Borrowed from Clara
January:
Who Knew?
February:
Thursday Funnies
March:
20 things from MyLuc's Auntie
April:
Awesome!
May:
Itsa Tuesday...I just have to remember to breathe
June:
You are 25% bitchy
July:
The five love languages
August:
Ten thoughts to ponder for 2006
September:
Not quite a quote a month but close
October:
(Nada...didn't post at all...I think this was due to my back issues)
November:
November 2, 2006..Holy Smokes! Time Flies
December:
Same girl but....
Boy I'm something or another...thanks to y'all who have kept reading.
Borrowed from Clara
January:
Who Knew?
February:
Thursday Funnies
March:
20 things from MyLuc's Auntie
April:
Awesome!
May:
Itsa Tuesday...I just have to remember to breathe
June:
You are 25% bitchy
July:
The five love languages
August:
Ten thoughts to ponder for 2006
September:
Not quite a quote a month but close
October:
(Nada...didn't post at all...I think this was due to my back issues)
November:
November 2, 2006..Holy Smokes! Time Flies
December:
Same girl but....
Boy I'm something or another...thanks to y'all who have kept reading.
So a post that's been draft almost a month since my awesome birthday.
Spoiled Huge!
So much has happened to already make my 30th year or 31st depending on who you talk to awesome.
My Mom arrived Thursday, November 27, 2006 amidst a torrential downpour. She really, really wanted Tim Horton's coffee and we decided to go to the one in Richmond, and then missed the turnoff, so the one in New West but the traffic was horrid. So we went for breakfast at Amelia's on 12th. It was pretty good. Luc left to run errands and mom and I walked home. She kept repeating I don't know how you can live in this (meaning the rain) and pointing out that "that's horrible" that we still had green grass. After vegging for a bit we headed to the mall. mom wanted to pick up a Camelback as an xmas gift for one of their atving buddies. I only wanted to head to Walmart.
Yup, that's it. That's the draft.
The gist of spoiled huge is that Friday the 24th of November, 1976, I came into the world and that on Friday, the 24th of November, 2006 I had a family dinner with my best, my mom, Luc and his immediate family. Minus his bro Matthew cuz his mom forgot.
The Saturday my best went home I hung out and played games with my mom and Luc's family and about 4 that evening his entire family showed up! Everyone. Girly Girl and Chin Chew braved the weather and my night Rocked!! I got so many awesome gifts and to top it off people braved the weather for me. Me. I'm so loved.
Warm fuzzies abounded for November.
Spoiled Huge!
So much has happened to already make my 30th year or 31st depending on who you talk to awesome.
My Mom arrived Thursday, November 27, 2006 amidst a torrential downpour. She really, really wanted Tim Horton's coffee and we decided to go to the one in Richmond, and then missed the turnoff, so the one in New West but the traffic was horrid. So we went for breakfast at Amelia's on 12th. It was pretty good. Luc left to run errands and mom and I walked home. She kept repeating I don't know how you can live in this (meaning the rain) and pointing out that "that's horrible" that we still had green grass. After vegging for a bit we headed to the mall. mom wanted to pick up a Camelback as an xmas gift for one of their atving buddies. I only wanted to head to Walmart.
Yup, that's it. That's the draft.
The gist of spoiled huge is that Friday the 24th of November, 1976, I came into the world and that on Friday, the 24th of November, 2006 I had a family dinner with my best, my mom, Luc and his immediate family. Minus his bro Matthew cuz his mom forgot.
The Saturday my best went home I hung out and played games with my mom and Luc's family and about 4 that evening his entire family showed up! Everyone. Girly Girl and Chin Chew braved the weather and my night Rocked!! I got so many awesome gifts and to top it off people braved the weather for me. Me. I'm so loved.
Warm fuzzies abounded for November.
Monday, December 11, 2006
Same girl but ....
First Name: Phoebe
Last Name: Baxter
Female
The Great Archives determine you to have gone by the identity: Alice Drown
Known in some parts of the world as: Scourge of Whores
The Great Archives Record: Beautiful, evil, seductive and dangerous!
First Name: Melissa
Last Name: Seifrit
The Great Archives determine you to have gone by the identity: Goddess of Moldovia
Known in some parts of the world as: Haunt of The Vile
The Great Archives Record: Vile, foul, filthy and greedy: this creature knows nothing of light.
First Name: Phoebe
Last Name: Baxter
Female
The Great Archives determine you to have gone by the identity: Alice Drown
Known in some parts of the world as: Scourge of Whores
The Great Archives Record: Beautiful, evil, seductive and dangerous!
First Name: Melissa
Last Name: Seifrit
The Great Archives determine you to have gone by the identity: Goddess of Moldovia
Known in some parts of the world as: Haunt of The Vile
The Great Archives Record: Vile, foul, filthy and greedy: this creature knows nothing of light.
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