December 15, 2012 ~ ten days until Christmas

Well then, am I prepared to celebrate this year away from my family and friends.  Farther than before?  I don't honestly know.

I have been lucky enough to have been invited to the mainland by such a variety of the eclectic people in my life.  This year I have turned everyone down.  I have days off through christmas and some I will celebrate with my cousins, but I am returning to Nanaimo to celebrate the days themselves at home.  Maybe I will make myself a lovely dinner, maybe I will order in pizza...who knows.

I've now decided to stay in Nanaimo right through to June 29th, 2013.  That will be the end of my "Year of Adventure".  What's next?  I just don't know.

Recently I returned to Vancouver to attend a holiday party with the Buccaneers of the Black Fleet I was able to stay with a good friend.  During this time I visited with only a rare few of the people in my life.

Going to Vancouver and thereabouts I am a tourist in a location where I lived from '97 to '12.  That is a long freakin' time to feel like a tourist now each and every time I return.

In all honesty I have only been back four times.  Two of those involved wedding prep and a wedding, the next for a birthday surprise and this last one for the holiday party.  I did not get to see some people, some people were lucky enough to see me and some unfortunately I haven't seen at all in over 8 months.

Through technology I am able to keep up to date with posts on FB and Twitter, G+ and the like.  I have snail mailed with others and a few more with Skype.

I was asked this last visit if I miss Vancouver.  The answer is No.  I miss my friends.  The people I could call up and chat with, go to lunch or dinner with, drinks with, sporadically take wee visits with or have.  The people in my life, those are who I miss.  My people.

November 17, 2012 ~ two weeks until my 36th birthday.

Normally about this time I'm talking to everyone about plans.  This year, nada.  I am totally meh.  Is it because I'm on the Island away from the mainland and that's depressing..probably to be honest.

At the end of this month I will have been six months into my Adventure.  I have now decided that I am going to stick with this apartment until the end of June 2013.  The end of my year of Adventure.  There is no reason to move out of here and then again come June once I have decided where I am going to be and what I am going to be doing.

I have been now at this Receptionist position for approximately five months. I work the 11p to 9a shift.  I am now self-employed and do not receive any type of benefit package.  I have some shifts where the telephone is crazy busy with calls and other nights where there are none and I don't want to sleep and I don't want to be caught off guard.  It's a very weird position that I've placed myself in.

I have been lucky to have friends come over to visit with me. Not too many but there have been some.  I have come to realize that I really don't know how to make friends.  How the heck did I get lucky enough to have the ones I can count as friends into my life?  Friends of friends, first time clickings...its a really weird situation.

My cousin and I have created a workable balance here in Nanaimo.  I know he misses his wife and daughter terribly and I do try to keep the positive BUT having someone to speak with about the positives and bitch about the negatives who knows EXACTLY what we're talking about and dealing with I think has helped us both.

Meaning Well...I swear it.

I have bad luck in recent weeks. It equals out somehow but it seems to be getting worse.

Walking to the bus one day I spotted a bathroom mirror on the side of the road near the sidewalk. My first thought was, why couldn't they place it by the pick up boxes for the thrift stores, on the other side of the street. My second thought was some kid is just going to come and break it. So me being me, I went to pick it up to move it across the street and it immediately slipped out of my hand. My fingers, it was heavier than I thought.

It cracked and broke in two pieces. Small shards of glass falling to the sidewalk. It was terrible. All I could think about what damnit...eight years of bad luck for doing a good deed. *sigh*

I was walking along and saw some garbage near the can but not in it. A homeless guy thanked me for doing my part.

Every day I try and put at least one piece of garbage in a can.

I've gotten into an argument with a good friend because I tend to clean up after myself. He says, people get paid for it. I'm taking their job away from them by cleaning up after myself. I understand his point, I also understand that if everyone left their stuff around then those people would not be paid enough to clean up after everyone. I like doing my part and I told him so.

I have decided to house sit this month and not ask for help with my girls. It makes for a long commute but I earn some good money doing it.

Yesterday heading back to Kerrisdale on the bus I noted we had stopped a little longer than usual at the intersection. It turns out that the bus driver and most of the people on the bus were watching three guys. Two beating the other up. I went to the front of the bus and asked if he could call someone, as my cell had died. He said and who would I call. I asked him to let me off.

I didn't think other than if I can get there I can get a description and stop what 's going on. I ran to the end of the block and two guys were yelling at them to stop. I saw the two you were "beating" and got a good look at them. Went across the street to where someone was on a radio and we spoke. He took down my descriptions, matched them with his and we waited for the Police to arrive. He said that they wouldn't be there for a bit as this happens all the time down there. WTF? I didn't want to be in the area too long after dark and miss another bus so I made sure he had all my information and I had to leave.

I caught the next bus and all I could think about was those people watching and not doing anything. My doing something and then nothing going to be done because it happens all the time. It is very disconcerting.

I do believe in karma and giving is getting and it will come back to you. I wish more people felt that way.

Then the negativity that still surrounds us from the Riots last July wouldn't still be hanging about.

Leaving my fiancé to begin anew was hard. Harder still was leaving my cats behind. Luc and I had adopted Emma and Chloe together to give Mickey some company. When I left I chose to leave them behind. I was thinking of myself and my future and the first place that I rented did not allow pets. I absolutely grieved. I grieved for the loss of a relationship that was years long AND I grieved the loss of my cats. Sleeping alone with no night noises and no midnight cuddles n' purrs. Tragic.

Two weeks later my best friend brought me a hamster. We had been looking at small pets and I had thought to myself, yes, I do need one. Erin brought me the cutest little wee grey and white ball of fluff. He was very young and fit right in the centre of my palm. It had been explained to me that I needed to touch him alot to train him for holding. No problem. He bit me a few times but I got used to the signs. He was an absolute joy.

I decided to call him Merle, after my mothers father, my amazing awesome lovely HUGE Papa. He loved me no matter what my size or weight. Unconditionally. AND I figured I would always be bigger than Merle so that was that.

I found out through trial and error that he loved hard boiled egg, spinach, cherry tomatoes, banana, edamame, yogurt, peppers and carrots. Grapes were messy and he totally turned away from kale.

He gave me such giggles when he'd stuff his wee pouches full and try to fit upstairs to his "apartment". He looked like he was carrying those side guns that are on some warplanes...and then he couldn't figure out why he couldn't fit through the doorway. He'd lay himself flat and squeeze between the top of the cage and the apartment. I also was guilty of counting exactly how many edamame he could stuff in. I got up to 12 before I felt guilty. Shortly afterwards I watched him spit them in the pantry corner...as I came to call his hidey spot for food.

I was blessed with friends who were able to care for him when I went away. They allowed me to call whenever to check up and hear their stories of his adventures.

Erin brought him over and he stayed with her and her two guinea pigs Gabby and Kate. During this time period he moved his bed from the top of his cage as close to them as possible. Very cute.

Anna and Tommy cared for him and shortly after returning him purchased their own hamsters...who in turn had hamsters...but that's another story.

Elizabeth and Russel brought him over and Russel renamed him Ratso. He figured Merle was up all the time because he wanted a lady friend. Russel never quite figured out that giving him edamame meant the bean NOT the whole pod. But he made them smile with his antics.

Amy, Bob, Douglas and Ariel put the cage where he wouldn't be bothered. Unfortunately Ariel found out he liked grapes. So much so when I went to pick him up I had to empty his cage full. His wee belly so full of grapiness.

Putting Merle in his ball when I cleaned his cage and not watching where he was going was interesting. He'd just roll here and there but always inevitably end up in the bathroom.

He did escape twice. Both my fault. The first time I FREAKED out and blocked all spaces I thought he might have gone. I looked and looked for him..found him...sitting on the toilet brush..hanging out. The second time I didn't put the lid properly on his wall and well, found him again in the bathroom.

When June 2011 came to pass I watched, waited and tried to be prepared for his passing. I was told they only last a year. I was sad but ready. And waited, and waited. I didn't want him to die but I was ready with the knowledge that he would.

In November I realized that my wee Merle was HUGE. He fit into the palm of my hand. He was fat. I ended up taking away his apartment because watching him squeeze his body through the hole entry ruffled his fur and made me wince.

In August 2011 news came that my ex-fiancé was going to give up Emma and Chloe. Mickey had passed away and he was not giving them the attention they deserved. He wanted to know if I knew of anyone that would take them. Hell Yes, I told him, Me!

December 2, 2011 Emma and Chloe re-entered my life. I was able to have them at my apartment suite as long as I cleaned alot, did my laundry elsewhere and kept the dust and dander down. My Landlords are allergic but rather than have me leave we worked out ways to keep the allergies at bay.

I made Merle a stair to get up to the food dishes. Watching him strain to pull himself up hurt my heart. I didn't want him to break anything and after figuring out he couldn't eat through the container and that it helped not hindered his progress to his food, it was awesome as he'd sit there and check out the space around him (or so I liked to imagine).

Watching Merle, Chloe and Emma interact was interesting. They were fascinated with this small creature. I had nightmares constantly of them somehow opening his cage and eating him. Never happened.

Emma would sit next to his cage and when he went upstairs and they'd sniff each other. She got bit once and then never again went that close to watch him.

Chloe would sit next to his cage and he'd sit close to her and they'd stare at each other. I liked to imagine that they were talking about their lives...or something like that.

Whenever I would clean his cage, into his ball he would go and then the laughter would burble up like a hidden spring. He'd follow them...they'd follow him...back and forth across the floor. Every week, same motions and movements.

~~

February 21, 2011 my friend Two Cups was leaving after spending the night. I did my morning checks and routine and off I went. I celebrated the fact that one year ago I had lazer eye surgery and it was the best decision ever. I was cranky after having a bad review at the office where I'm currently working and vented and ranted to My Girly Girl that I couldn't wait to get home. I went and got a few groceries and treats for Merle. Fresh spinach.

Walking through the door I put my groceries down and went to check Merle. Looking like a Furbie he was rolled tight in the corner. I breathed on him, said his name, watched him...reached in and rolled him. My poor dude was gone. His wee body still slightly warm but his spirit had left. Closing the cage I sat on the floor and wept. I cried so hard I made myself sick. I was devastated. What now? What do I do now?

I called everyone and left messages. I didn't know what to do. Should I take him and put him in the freezer? Should I leave him there? Will he rot? How long ago did he die? Was he in pain? What was I going to do without him? He was my friend and now I was alone with my thoughts and cried.

About 10pm after speaking with friends, deep contemplation of next steps I cut some of my duck fleece fabric. I opened his cage, took one last look at his wee ears and stoked his fur, wrapped him in paper towels and then the fabric. I said a prayer knowing his spirit was gone but that I needed to communicate that I wished him well and as much edamame as he could hold. Into a Ziploc and then into the freezer.

I closed his cage and went to bed. Dragging my doll from her shelf I cuddled her close and said my nighttime prayers. Including one that had Merle meeting my Papa and their telling stories. I knew he was in a better place.

~~

Waking this morning I went about my morning routine. Altering the good mornings to not include Merle was hard. I cleaned his cage and in doing so it seemed the girls were listening for the rolling of the ball. Emma finally went to the shelf and knocked it down. They looked at me and I said that he'd gone over the rainbow bridge. Teary eyed I cleaned his cage, not putting in clean litter but leaving it instead empty.
Heading into work my spirit is calmer but my heart is still heavy.

Merle kept me sane during the years of grieving and learning. He gave me pause and reflection of my thoughts and daily purposes. He was my wee Dude. I will love him always.

In June 2011 my brother Stretch married. I was asked to be the MC at his wedding. My other brother Sprout the Best Man. He wanted the siblings to be involved as his wife had her sisters and best friend on her side.

I suffered from great anxiety during this time period. My father, with whom I had no contact and had not seen in many years was going to be attending the wedding. I chose to see the Counselor to discuss how to handle any situation that might arise. Little did I know that nothing could prepare me for actually seeing, hearing and being in the same room/area with the man.

Growing up the eldest child of alcoholic parents one of my first memories is of them driving to the bar outside of town, settling us with snacks, books, things to occupy ourselves and saying to me to take care of my brothers.

My father being very abusive chose to use his fists, hands, belt or any random item that may be lying around to discipline us. He'd begin with me, then Stretch and then Sprout. During some of these times my Mother who would have been out cold due to overdrinking would arise to save Sprout.

It was up to me being the oldest to walk my brothers to school, to protect them from bullies, to protect them from my father.

At a low point in my life I lay in a bathtub with bubbles to my chin contemplating slitting my wrists. With the razor to my skin I couldn't see any future in remaining in this world. Watching the blood drip, I realized that without me, who would protect my brothers? Who would watch them grow and be proud of the men that they would become?

I chose to live. I chose to grow up and stay strong. Weebles wobble but don't fall down. I may have been born to a mother and father who didn't know the blessings that they had been given but I was going to stand up and be strong, if not for me for my brothers.

Being asked to MC at Stretchs wedding, knowing that the man who abused me and them, who made us lie to the agents who would come by to see that they we were alright, to raise my chin and be proud of the man my brother had become, scared me shitless.

I left town and my family when I was 16, choosing to live with my grandparents instead of my mother and the man who is my stepfather. I did not grow up with my brothers, I did not watch them grow. I did not come back into their lives until the later years.

Watching my brother stand at the altar and receive his bride made me proud to be his sister. Proud to be alive in this world and able to see him grow.

Unfortunately the months passed by and their marriage did not last. Five months and nine days. Some things are just not meant to be. I don't understand the ending, it's not my place. My place is to stand by my brother so that he can lean on me.

We are Family!

Wow, over four years since my last post. As I read my last post I realized HOLY HADES I have come so freakin' far. Here's a long post...ready...

2009 I became quite ill. I had developed symptoms of PTSD from my childhood that surfaced quite violently. I was bugging and laughing MyLuc and then...quite violently my life changed. I ended up seeing a Psychiatrist and Psychologist and dredging up thoughts, feelings and Oh My Goodness moments. It was hard and sad and angry and a definite learning experience on that which you must learn the lesson not just pass over to the next chapter.

2010 was the year of choices to be made. I listened hard and quietly to the voices of my soul and my friends and those that without whom I might have not found the strength to go on. I left MyLuc after many years together. He went away and I chose to do what I thought was best for the both of us. Unfortunately I lost a friend and lover and one whom I had chose to spend my life with. Asking for the ring back was one of the hardest things I had to do, as was "it was yours all along" to be heard.

In May I followed through with a decision that was close to my heart. My ex-Mom n'Law ...lets call her FlowerLady...and I went to donate our hair to Breast Cancer. I donated almost 13" and she almost 9". I had almost 5 lbs of hair in a baggie and a very cute copper rinsed pixie cut. Everyone said timing wise I was making a clean start but no, I chose to cut my hair as a coworker decided after a year of wearing her wig after cancer treatment to go into work the Monday and was afraid. This way, we shared the attention and really, they only noticed the change in me. For her, she had had a fantabulous short wig so it was just a different hair style.

2010 I have assigned my grieving year. It was a year where I left a partner, I had to leave our cats behind, I had to learn to live alone again without someone constant in my life. I had to learn to listen to myself, to take time for myself without being afraid of the unknown. To understand that I am a strong woman, with great friends and family and that change is not a bad thing, just another step to take in life.

2011 was the year of learning and listening. I chose this year to do things for me. To make the harsh decision of not waiting and listening to my thought process and bring the positive in my life.

In January I chose to open my heart again for selfish reasons. I am a woman and wanted to be desired. Unfortunately a friend of many years was hurt and now we are no longer close but it was a definite learning lesson.

In February I had lazer eye surgery. It was one of my most awesome things I have ever done. I had gone previously to check it out and had been told it isn't worth the money, it won't last for ever and you will still end up with glasses. Well, let me tell you, this was a good decision, adding to my loan, having 20/20 vision and the glee of not fogging up during temperature changes and wiping constantly due to rain..*sings* Fantabuloussss

In March I quit my job. I had been there not quite four years and I was not happy. I was tired of the politics of working in a busy law firm and not being spoken to with respect. My last day was April 1, 2011 and no one thought it was a good idea...at the time

From April to December 2011 I have worked temporary postings here and there, from New Westminster to West Vancouver. I have worked with ALL the lawyers or secretaries in various firms from waay back when I first began my Legal Secretary/Assistant career. It has been an awesome journey.

In August, Luc contacted me and said he was going to get rid of the cats as he wasn't home enough to spend time with them. Did I know anyone who could take them. Of course I did, ME. So I told my landlords that although I had signed a lease until December 31, 2011 I was going to have to break it in order to get the cats. They talked together and decided I was able to have them in December. FANTASTIC! Luc said that was fine, as long as they were going to go to a good home. Well, Duh, seriously...

In September employment ended. There were no temporary assignments available and I had to decide what I was going to do. I took half of my retirement savings in order to pay rent and bills. I borrowed money from a good friend with a "when you can you can pay it back", another friend gave me rent in the form of an envelope marked "breathing space".

From September 1 to November 29 I was unemployed. I lost weight, I was eating sparingly in order to stretch my cupboards and I thought, a lot, about the choices I was making and whether or not it had been such a good idea. Should I be stressed? Was this really a good choice?

November 29, I began a temporary assignment through December and I have been lucky enough that it has been extended weeks by weeks. We shall see where it goes.

December 2, my friend Froggy Owl and I went to get the cats, the girls (Chloe and Emma)from Luc. We arrived, they weren't ready so we went up to the condo. I was very surprised to see that it was bare. I mean, he lives there but, it was bare. No personality and empty feeling. I understand from his Mom (who is still in my life thank goodness) that he is a minimalist but this was ridiculous. Very cold. We collected the girls in their carrier, a bag of random items, food, litter, their scratch post and he helped us carry everything to the car. I did not want to make two trips. Along the way I looked at Luc. Really looked and into myself as well and thought, do I miss you? There was nothing, he had erased me so completely from his life that there wasn't even a void. It was a blank space. Frightening actually.

December 31, 2011 I had new years with my cousins (not my blood cousins but my friends TumakHunter, CJ and their awesome daughter Stardancer). TumakHunter and I grew up together, our Moms being best friends. He is a few years older than I but we've remained close all these years. I am very grateful for the opinions and strength that they can give me. We had some discussions about the future and what it might hold.

All the choices I made through 2011 read quite stressful, but really, I haven't been that stressed. My anxiety hasn't been that terribly high and I do not regret the choices that I have made. At all, should I have?

From friends who care to professionals and their "are you sure?" opinions...2011 has been a really good year. Honest.

I have decided 2012 is going to be my year of adventure. I have given myself a deadline to accomplish a NEW adventure.

Of course there are stories in amongst the months but this is just a loooong catch up. Thank you for reading if you have been.