And for post #250...
Bet you have trouble reading all this you will be laughing so hard....
I never dreamed slowly cruising on my motorcycle through a residential neighborhood could be so incredibly dangerous! Little did I suspect.
I was on Brice Street - a very nice neighborhood with perfect lawns and slow traffic. As I passed an oncoming car, a brown furry missile shot out from under it and tumbled to a stop immediately in front of me.
It was a squirrel, and must have been trying to run across the road when it encountered the car. I really was not going very fast, but there was no time to brake or avoid it -- it was that close. I hate to run over animals, and I really hate it on a motorcycle, but a squirrel should pose no danger to me. I barely had time to brace for the impact. Animal lovers, never fear. Squirrels, I discovered, can take care of themselves!
Inches before impact, the squirrel flipped to his feet. He was standing on his hind legs and facing my oncoming Valkyrie with steadfast resolve in his beady little eyes.
His mouth opened, and at the last possible second, he screamed and leapt! I am pretty sure the scream was squirrel for, "Bonzai!" or maybe, "Die you gravy-sucking, heathen scum!" The leap was nothing short of spectacular...
He shot straight up, flew over my windshield, and impacted me squarely in the chest. Instantly, he set upon me. If I did not know better, I would have sworn he brought 20 of his little buddies along for the attack.
Snarling, hissing, and tearing at my clothes, he was a frenzy of activity. As I was dressed only in a light T-shirt, summer riding gloves, and jeans this was a bit of a cause for concern. This furry little tornado was doing some damage!
Picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a T-shirt, and leather gloves, puttering at maybe 25 mph down a quiet residential street, and in the fight of his life with a squirrel. And losing...
I grabbed for him with my left hand. After a few misses, I finally managed to snag his tail. With all my strength, I flung the evil rodent off to the left of the bike, almost running into the right curb as I recoiled from the throw. That should have done it. The matter should have ended right there. It really should have.
The squirrel could have sailed into one of the pristinely kept yards and gone on about his business, and I could have headed home. No one would have been the wiser. But this was no ordinary squirrel. This was not even an ordinary angry squirrel. This was an EVIL MUTANT ATTACK SQUIRREL OF DEATH!
Somehow he caught my gloved finger with one of his little hands and, with the force of the throw, swung around and with a resounding thump and an amazing impact, he landed squarely on my BACK and resumed his rather antisocial and extremely distracting activities. He also managed to take my left glove with him! The situation was not improved. Not improved at all.
His attacks were continuing, and now I could not reach him. I was startled, to say the least. The combination of the force of the throw, only having one hand (the throttle hand) on the handlebars, and my jerking back unfortunately put a healthy twist through my right hand and into the throttle. A healthy twist on the throttle of a Valkyrie can only have one result. Torque.
This is what the Valkyrie is made for, and she is very, very good at it. The engine roared and the front wheel left the pavement. The squirrel screamed in anger. The Valkyrie screamed in ecstasy. I screamed in .. well .. I just plain screamed.
Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a slightly squirrel-torn t-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, and roaring at maybe 50 mph and rapidly accelerating down a quiet residential street on one wheel, with a demonic squirrel of death on his back. The man and the squirrel are both screaming bloody murder.
With the sudden acceleration I was forced to put my other hand back on the handlebars and try to get control of the bike. This was leaving the mutant squirrel to his own devices, but I really did not want to crash into somebody's tree, house, or parked car. Also, I had not yet figured out how to release the throttle... my brain was just simply overloaded. I did manage to mash the back brake, but it had little effect against the massive power of the big cruiser.
About this time the squirrel decided that I was not paying sufficient attention to this very serious battle (maybe he was an evil mutant NAZI attack squirrel of death), and he came around my neck and got INSIDE my full-face helmet with me.
As the faceplate closed part way, he began hissing in my face. I am quite sure my screaming changed intensity. It had little effect on the squirrel, however. The RPMs on the Dragon maxed out (since I was not bothering with shifting at the moment), so her front end started to drop.
Now picture a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a very raggedly torn T-shirt, wearing only one leather glove, roaring at probably 80 mph, still on one wheel, with a large puffy squirrel's tail sticking out of the mostly closed full-face helmet. By now the screams are probably getting a little hoarse.
Finally I got the upper hand ... I managed to grab his tail again, pulled him out of my helmet, and slung him to the left as hard as I could. This time it worked ... sort-of. Spectacularly sort-of ...so to speak.
Picture a new scene. You are a cop. You and your partner have pulled off on a quiet residential street and parked with your windows down to do some paperwork. Suddenly a large man on a huge black and chrome cruiser, dressed in jeans, a torn T-shirt flapping in the breeze, and wearing only one leather glove, moving at probably 80 mph on one wheel, and screaming bloody murder roars by, and with all his strength throws a live squirrel grenade directly into your police car.
I heard screams. They weren't mine...
I managed to get the big motorcycle under control and dropped the front wheel to the ground. I then used maximum braking and skidded to a stop in a cloud of tire smoke at the stop sign of a busy cross street. I would have returned to 'fess up (and to get my glove back). I really would have. Really... Except for two things.
First, the cops did not seem interested or the slightest bit concerned about me at the moment. When I looked back, the doors on both sides of the patrol car were flung wide open. The cop from the passenger side was on his back, doing a crab walk into somebody's front yard, quickly moving away from the car. The cop who had been in the driver's seat was standing in the street, aiming a riot shotgun at his own police car.
So, the cops were not interested in me. They often insist to "let the professionals handle it" anyway. That was one thing. The other?
Well, I could clearly see shredded and flying pieces of foam and upholstery from the back seat. But I could also swear I saw the squirrel in the back window, shaking his little fist at me. That is one dangerous squirrel. And now he has a patrol car. A somewhat shredded patrol car ... but it was all his.
I took a deep breath, turned on my turn-signal, made a gentle right turn off of Brice Street, and sedately left the neighborhood. I decided it was best to just buy myself a new pair of gloves!!!
Monday, March 26, 2007
You know you’re having a day when:
You get all the recycling/garbage collected and taken downstairs and forgot to check the kitchen where there is a whack of recycling that had not made it onto the deck to go downstairs.
You get into enjoy a long hot shower, begin shaving your legs and realize as you start on the second leg that the safety cap is still on the razor so you have to do both freakin’ legs over again and the hot water is beginning to fail.
You and a friend go and pick up a futon and mattress and realize that there is no way you’re going to fit into the car as well. Therefore you have to take transit and that’s another hour and a half wasted waiting for the stupid bus.
You decide to finally recycle the couch that was your first purchase as an adult (10+ years ago), you cry some tears and the next day after you’ve calmed down someone asks if they can have the couch once you get the futon. *GACK*
You get to work, get started working and a client points out that tho’ you normally wear funky socks they normally go with what you’re wearing (today, brown pattered pants, shoes and shirt with my fluorescent pink stripy socks) *sigh*
How’re you doin’?
You get all the recycling/garbage collected and taken downstairs and forgot to check the kitchen where there is a whack of recycling that had not made it onto the deck to go downstairs.
You get into enjoy a long hot shower, begin shaving your legs and realize as you start on the second leg that the safety cap is still on the razor so you have to do both freakin’ legs over again and the hot water is beginning to fail.
You and a friend go and pick up a futon and mattress and realize that there is no way you’re going to fit into the car as well. Therefore you have to take transit and that’s another hour and a half wasted waiting for the stupid bus.
You decide to finally recycle the couch that was your first purchase as an adult (10+ years ago), you cry some tears and the next day after you’ve calmed down someone asks if they can have the couch once you get the futon. *GACK*
You get to work, get started working and a client points out that tho’ you normally wear funky socks they normally go with what you’re wearing (today, brown pattered pants, shoes and shirt with my fluorescent pink stripy socks) *sigh*
How’re you doin’?
This was too good to just forward. And to agree with My Girly Girl...it makes me all squishy inside too.
A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.
He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.
After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.
When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.
When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"
"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.
"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.
"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up."
The man gestured, and the gate began to open.
"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked.
"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."
The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.
After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.
As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.
"Excuse me!" he called to the man. "Do you have any water?"
"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in."
"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.
"There should be a bowl by the pump."
They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.
The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.
When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.
"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.
"This is Heaven," he answered.
"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too."
"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell."
"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"
"No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind."
Soooo...
Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word.
Maybe this will explain.
When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do? You forward jokes.
When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward jokes.
When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how, you forward jokes.
Also to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get?
A forwarded joke.
So, next time if you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.
You are all welcome @ my water bowl anytime.
A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.
He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.
After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.
When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.
When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"
"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.
"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.
"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up."
The man gestured, and the gate began to open.
"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked.
"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."
The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.
After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.
As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.
"Excuse me!" he called to the man. "Do you have any water?"
"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in."
"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.
"There should be a bowl by the pump."
They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.
The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.
When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.
"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.
"This is Heaven," he answered.
"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too."
"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell."
"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"
"No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind."
Soooo...
Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing a word.
Maybe this will explain.
When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do? You forward jokes.
When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward jokes.
When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how, you forward jokes.
Also to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important, you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get?
A forwarded joke.
So, next time if you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought of today and your friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.
You are all welcome @ my water bowl anytime.
Sunday, March 11, 2007
Soooo....
Not quite a month has passed since I last blogged. I had a whack of good blog fodder from my Hawaiian vacation February 16 to 26, 2007 including pictures...it was gonna be a heck of a good read. Plus the sis-in-law's wedding reception in which I totally had too much fun, decided I'd try and smoke a cigar with the guys (knowing that I totally can't handle smoke around me and trying it was f'fing stupid but...did it anyways) and then totally had stories to tell about the next morning at the gift opening where I decided Myluc and I are going to run away and people can give us money....
But...
Here I am in Calgary, Alberta. Not quite a week. Arrived here last Tuesday morning after getting home on the Sunday evening after the gift opening, going to bath room and finding out via telephone messages that my poor mum had had a very serious single vehicle car accident. It was horrible. She was in a medicated coma with broken right wrist, broken left forearm, wrist and smashed hand, her left elbow was dislocated and a N shaped 15-18 stitch cut above her left eye until Wednesday when she woke up, began talking and responded with a very loud "SHUT UP" when I told her she looked silly without her teeth. It totally made my day.
I am happy to say though that as of today she has had most of the tubing removed (oxygen and iv), her facial bruising is healing, the orthopaedic surgeon has worked on her left hand, she can now move her right fingers, loved the semi-manicure I gave her (guck on her hand and fingers from last week...it just had to be removed), hates the fact that her left arm is really heavy and aches and she is really pissed off she can't have pizza and beer, a steak sandwich and really any food that isn't hospital food and o'course a smoke. Heavy smoker since she was 19 going on 52 on the 21st she's having a hard time with the forced quitting. I can only hope though, being the only non-smoker in the family that she will not start again. Wishful thinking I know but I'm thinking those thoughts anyways..
I want to thank those of you who have called, texted or emailed for your well wishes and prayers. Mum is doing much better and hopefully I will be back home soon.
Hopefully I can resume to semi-regular blogging soon.
Thank you for checking up if you have and even if you just lurk.
*HUGE HUGS*
Not quite a month has passed since I last blogged. I had a whack of good blog fodder from my Hawaiian vacation February 16 to 26, 2007 including pictures...it was gonna be a heck of a good read. Plus the sis-in-law's wedding reception in which I totally had too much fun, decided I'd try and smoke a cigar with the guys (knowing that I totally can't handle smoke around me and trying it was f'fing stupid but...did it anyways) and then totally had stories to tell about the next morning at the gift opening where I decided Myluc and I are going to run away and people can give us money....
But...
Here I am in Calgary, Alberta. Not quite a week. Arrived here last Tuesday morning after getting home on the Sunday evening after the gift opening, going to bath room and finding out via telephone messages that my poor mum had had a very serious single vehicle car accident. It was horrible. She was in a medicated coma with broken right wrist, broken left forearm, wrist and smashed hand, her left elbow was dislocated and a N shaped 15-18 stitch cut above her left eye until Wednesday when she woke up, began talking and responded with a very loud "SHUT UP" when I told her she looked silly without her teeth. It totally made my day.
I am happy to say though that as of today she has had most of the tubing removed (oxygen and iv), her facial bruising is healing, the orthopaedic surgeon has worked on her left hand, she can now move her right fingers, loved the semi-manicure I gave her (guck on her hand and fingers from last week...it just had to be removed), hates the fact that her left arm is really heavy and aches and she is really pissed off she can't have pizza and beer, a steak sandwich and really any food that isn't hospital food and o'course a smoke. Heavy smoker since she was 19 going on 52 on the 21st she's having a hard time with the forced quitting. I can only hope though, being the only non-smoker in the family that she will not start again. Wishful thinking I know but I'm thinking those thoughts anyways..
I want to thank those of you who have called, texted or emailed for your well wishes and prayers. Mum is doing much better and hopefully I will be back home soon.
Hopefully I can resume to semi-regular blogging soon.
Thank you for checking up if you have and even if you just lurk.
*HUGE HUGS*
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
Monday, February 12, 2007
The Kitchen Bitch
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her 5-year-old son playing with his new electric train in the living room.
She heard the train stop and her son saying, "All of you sons of bitcheswho want off, get the hell off now... cause this is the last stop! And all ofyou sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses on the train...cause we're going down the tracks.
The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train...butI want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the boy came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say... "All passengers please remember your things, thank you and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."
She heard her little darling continue...
"For those of you just boarding, remember, there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who arepissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."
Sunday, February 11, 2007
| This Is My Life, Rated | |
| Life: |  4.9 |
| Mind: |  4.6 |
| Body: |  5.7 |
| Spirit: | 5.8 |
| Friends/Family: | 4.2 |
| Love: |  8.5 |
| Finance: | 5.9 |
| Take the Rate My Life Quiz | |
Your Life Analysis:
Life: Your life rating is a score of the sum total of your life, and accounts for how satisfied, successful, balanced, capable, valuable, and happy you are. The quiz attempts to put a number on the summation of all of these things, based on your answers. Your life score is on the low end. Making key changes to different aspects of your life will bring you greater fulfillment. Do not be discouraged. Seek help outside yourself if need be. There is always time to change, and change will bring many rewards.
Mind: Your mind rating is a score of your mind's clarity, ability, and health. Higher scores indicate an advancement in knowledge, clear and capable thinking, high mental health, and pure thought free of interference. Your mind score is rather low, which means that your mental state is not in tune. Learn to filter out the noise of everyday life. Unplug, relax, read a good book. Take up a new area of study. Simplify and focus your mental energy and your mind function will improve.
Body: Your body rating measures your body's health, fitness, and general wellness. A healthy body contributes to a happy life, however many of us are lacking in this area. Your body score is fairly average, which means there is room for improvement. Keep a focus on your physical health. Protect your body as it is your most valuable physical asset. Nutrition, stress reduction, and exercise are key.
Spirit: Your spirit rating seeks to capture in a number that elusive quality which is found in your faith, your attitude, and your philosophy on life. A higher score indicates a greater sense of inner peace and balance. Your spirit score leaves room for improvement. Consider making a concerted effort to redefine your attitudes and focus your beliefs. Boosting your spirit will lead to greater life satisfaction.
Friends/Family: Your friends and family rating measures your relationships with those around you, and is based on how large, healthy, and dependable your social network is. Your friends and family score suffers, yet it does not need to be this way. Strengthen your social network by reaffirming old bonds. Seek out new friendships, and they will provide you the reward you need.
Love: Your love rating is a measure of your current romantic situation. Sharing your heart with another person is one of life's most glorious, terrifying, rewarding experiences. Your love score is very high, which means you are in a very happy situation right now. Do all you can to keep it strong.
Finance: Your finance rating is a score that rates your current financial health and stability. Your finances are somewhat in the middle, neither bad or exceptional. Keep doing what works for you, and improve what doesn't. Focus on long-term financial stability as your goal.
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