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Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Funnies


A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks by, looks up and says to the monkey "Hey, what're you doing?"


The monkey replies, "Smokin' a joint, come up and have some."


So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they smoke a few joints.


After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and he's going to get a drink from the river.


The lizard is so stoned that he leans over too far and falls into the river.


A crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"


The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting up a tree with a monkey smoking pot, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.


The crocodile says he has to check this out and wanders into the jungle.


He finds the tree where the monkey is sitting finishing up a joint. The crocodile yells up to the monkey and says "Hey!"


The monkey looks down and says,"Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.......How much water did you drink?!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Way down in the out ports of Newfoundland, Murph's old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come.


He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.


She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said,"Hey, Murph! You just had you a son! Ain't dat grand!!"


Murph got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said,"Hold on! We ain't finished yet!"


The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, "Hey, Murph!


You got you a daughter!!!! She a pretty lil ting, too....


" Murph got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, "Hold on, we still ain't got done yet!"

The doctor then delivered another boy and said,"Murph, you just had yourself another boy!"


Murph said to the doctor, "Doc, what caused all of dem babies?"


The doctor said, "You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during conception."


Murph said, "Ah yeah, during conception."


When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil."

She said, "Yeah, I remember dat night"

Murph said, "I'll tell you, bye, it's a fookin' good ting we didn't use dat WD-40!!"

(What I don't understand is why they have a Jamaican(sp?) accent?)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A WEEK AT THE GYM


If you read this without laughing out loud, then there is something wrongwith you. This is dedicated to every woman who ever attempted to get into aregular workout routine.


Dear Diary...For my fiftieth birthday this year, my husband (the sweet dear) purchased me a week of personal training at the local health club. Although I am still in great shape (from playing on my high school softball team), I decided itwould be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Bruce, who described himself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor, and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with my sudden enthusiasm to get started. Well, the club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress, so here it goes:


Monday: Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting for me. He is something of a Greek God - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the machines. He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to him in his Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring. Bruce was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching fromholding it in the whole time he was around.This is going to be a FANTASTICweek!


Tuesday:I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Bruce made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air-then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Bruce's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!!It's a whole new life for me.


Wednesday:The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Bruce was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on thetreadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Bruce told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.


Thursday:Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Bruce took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. He sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine-which I sank.


Friday:I hate that bastard Bruce more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Bruce wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the &*@*#$ &*@*#$ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from.) The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?


Saturday:Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the *$@#&& Weather Channel.


Sunday:I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband(the BASTARD) will choose a gift for me that is fun like a root canal or a hysterectomy.

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

A Hmmmm from Glamazon..

BOLD THE ONES YOU'VE DONE

smoked a cigarette
smoked a cigar
madeout with a member of the same sex
crashed a friend's car
stolen a car
been in love
been dumped
shoplifted
been fired
snuck out of my parent's house
had feelings for someone who didnt have them back
been arrested
made out with a stranger
gone on a blind date
lied to a friend
had a crush on a teacher
been to Europe
skipped school
slept with a co-worker
seen someone die
had a crush on one of your LJ friends (Umm... Low Jack...?
been to Canada (once or twice)
been to Mexico
been on a plane
thrown up in a bar
purposely set a part of myself on fire
eaten Sushi
been snowboarding
met someone in person from LJ (Ummm...Lower Jersey?)
been moshing at a concert (no but I was security at a garbage concert)
been in an abusive relationship
taken painkillers
love someone or miss someone right now
laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by
made a snow angel
had a tea party
flown a kite
built a sand castle
gone puddle jumping
played dress up
jumped into a pile of leaves
gone sledding
cheated while playing a game (and been caught...)
been lonely
fallen asleep at work/school
used a fake id
watched the sunset
felt an earthquake
touched a snake
slept under the stars
been tickled
been robbed
been misunderstood
petted a reindeer/goat
won a contest
run a red light (been with someone who has)
been suspended from school
been in a car accident
had braces
felt like an outcast
eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night
had deja vu
danced in the moonlight
hated the way you look
witnessed a crime
pole danced
questioned your heart
been obsessed with post-it notes
squished barefoot through the mud
been lost
been to the opposite side of the country
swam in the ocean
felt like dying
cried yourself to sleep
played cops and robbers
recently colored with crayons/colored pencils/markers
sung karaoke
paid for a meal with only coins
done something you told yourself you wouldn't
made prank phone calls
laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose
caught a snowflake on your tongue
danced in the rain
written a letter to Santa Claus
been kissed under a mistletoe
watched the sun rise with someone you care about
blown bubbles
made a bonfire on the beach
crashed a party
gone rollerskating/blading
had a wish come true (totally, I have Myluc)
humped a monkey
jumped off a bridge
screamed penis in class
ate dog/cat food
told a complete stranger you loved them
kissed a mirror
sang in the shower
have a little black dress
had a dream that you married someone
glued your hand to something
got your tongue stuck to a flag pole (swingdet actually)
kissed a fishworn
the opposite sex's clothes
been a cheerleader
sat on a roof top
screamed at the top of your lungs
done a one-handed cartwheel (not even a two handed one)
talked on the phone for more than 6 hours
stayed up all night
didn't take a shower for a week
pick and ate an apple right off the tree
climbed a tree
had a tree house
are scared to watch scary movies
believe in ghosts
have more then 30 pairs of shoes
worn a really ugly outfit to school just to see what others say
gone streaking
played ding-dong-ditch
played chicken
been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on -> even shoes
been told you're hot by a complete stranger
broken a bone
been easily amused
caught a fish then ate it
made porn
caught a butterfly
laughed so hard you cried
cried so hard you laughed
cheated on a test
have a Britney Spears CD
forgotten someone's name
slept naked
French braided someone's hair
skinny dipped in a pool/hottubb
been threatened to be kicked out of your house
been kicked out your house

Yup, not such an innocent one am I. *HUGE HUGS*
Song Lyric/Chorus of the Moment - Honey, whaddya do for money?Honey, whaddya do for money?Yeah, whaddya do for money honey, how you get your kicks?Whaddya do for money honey, how you get your licks?


I had so much fun on the weekend. It's Wednesday but I'm hoping I haven't forgotten anything. So here goes.


Friday after work went to the liquor store. MyLuc had emailed and wanted a Baron. *shrug* okay. Went...there was one. Thank goodness. Havin' him ask me if I could pick something up for him was awesome as he normally picks up his own. My girly girl had totally turned my tastebuds to lemon vodka to go with my cranberry juice so I bought one of those and o'cousre I'm into trying new wines sooo.... I bought a Bad Dog White and a Painted Turtle. I don't really care what kind of wine but I really like the names. I was going to pick up two left feet but didn't....


MyLuc and I o'course went out on Saturday and bought my camera with a new memory card and a case. I didn't need batteries cuz his camera died so I got'em. He kept saying if we find a good one we'll go halfers....but we didn't so the camera is mine, mine I tell ya. We then wandered into the liquor store and I bought some wine to bring to dinner. Saturday night we went to our friends for dinner. Took a picture of their cat. Chicken breasts with Paella and salad. mmmm. And then we played Killer Bunnies. For those of you who are thinking "whaaa?!?" It's a card game where the goal is to have the carrot at the bottom of the carrot pile. You play this game, we played two and it took at least 3 hours and no matter how many cabbage, water, defence, weapons, special, very special or large prune danish cards you have....you have to have the carrot at the bottom of the pile. *sigh* I lost. But it is so totally addicting I can't wait to play again. Took a picture of the table and cards.


Sunday I met my girly girl at the mall. I bought some sandals and flipflops, two shirts, two sport tanks, a skirt, a pair of jeans, 4 bras (two which are very girly with flowers n'all), some undies and a teal work blouse. All in all a whack of money. It was totally fun and we were very lucky to have awesome women helping us out. At the Addition Elle where I purchased the bras my girly girl and I had the girl in stiches. I wanted to make sure the fit was correct so I asked and wanted her opinion and she was amazed at how at ease I was...what's the big deal? It's not like I can hid the girls and why should I. My girly girl explained to the woman that I wore gowns with bodices and corsets that show almost as much as the bras. Ahhhhh....lightbulb...she understood. It was too funny. We went to my girly girls and I watched her fold laundry and try to make lists for her trip to Israel. She has a whack of clothing and stuff. Goodness, I would have no idea what to bring but she's pretty organized when she gets her mind to it.

Monday, my free day off thanks to the Head lawyers at Coutts. We went to Starbucks for our morning coffee - not a normal thing and I thank goodness, I'd be in debt because of how much coffee and chai and lattes are. Across the street to the stylists and there I sat for 31/2 hours getting my hair foiled with "rebel red". We took pics. Can't wait to see what they turn out like...and o'course I'll post 'em. When the stylist finished blowdrying my hair all I could say was Goodness...awesome...my mom is gonna shoot me. It's amazing what a little colour can do. The stylist also thought my girly girl and I were 17-18 which totally made our afternoon. Over we went to the wedding store where my girly girl tried on two dresses. She looked amazing! Made me kinda teary about how beautiful she looked and glad that myLuc and I are going casual. We went to the jewelry store down at the Quay and I found exactly the ring I wanted to purchase for MyLuc. $350. And the guy was pressing the payment plan and I was like I have a VISA don't need a payment plan. It was great! And then we went to Lougheed Mall...to the shoe stores where my girly girl picked up an awesome pair of sandals. To Walmart where we looked at cheap DVD's and to various other stores where we just went to browse. Home to MyLuc who said "It doesn't look better or worse" *shrug* I guessed it was a compliment. To the grocery store and then home to dinner and veg.


Tuesday - First day back after a 3 day weekend. It was rough but I survived. Had a doc's appointment for a general checkup and because my neck and back have been stiff. Now I have to go for xrays on my neck. Lovely. MyLuc made pasta n' salad for dinner. We started watching CSI season 2 and then The Closer and o'course The 4400. All good stuff. To bed we went for some jokes that I thought were just not that funny....and o'course the kittens playing leapfrog over our legs and each other onto each other and o'course onto us.


Wednesday - And tadahhh..it's Wednesday and I'm plowing through the dictation tapes, not currently cuz I'm posting but you know, and chatting and o'course talking on the phone. Multitasking is great.


Hope your Wednesday is a good one. *HUGE HUGS*


I also was surfing around and found this site - it's kinda scary - be warned
http://stuckatprom.com/contests/prom/entries.asp?state=&category=&page=2

Sunday, July 10, 2005

Quote of the day - I remember everything I didn't forget. - MyLuc

Havin' a good day. Bought the Olympus C5500 digital camera - hopefully once I can figure out how to take non-shaky pics I'll post'em.

Going shopping with my girly girly woohoo. New clothes.

Havin' a good day.

*HUGE HUGS*