Funnies


A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks by, looks up and says to the monkey "Hey, what're you doing?"


The monkey replies, "Smokin' a joint, come up and have some."


So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they smoke a few joints.


After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and he's going to get a drink from the river.


The lizard is so stoned that he leans over too far and falls into the river.


A crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"


The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting up a tree with a monkey smoking pot, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.


The crocodile says he has to check this out and wanders into the jungle.


He finds the tree where the monkey is sitting finishing up a joint. The crocodile yells up to the monkey and says "Hey!"


The monkey looks down and says,"Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck.......How much water did you drink?!"

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Way down in the out ports of Newfoundland, Murph's old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come.


He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.


She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said,"Hey, Murph! You just had you a son! Ain't dat grand!!"


Murph got excited by this, but just then the doctor spoke up and said,"Hold on! We ain't finished yet!"


The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, "Hey, Murph!


You got you a daughter!!!! She a pretty lil ting, too....


" Murph got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, "Hold on, we still ain't got done yet!"

The doctor then delivered another boy and said,"Murph, you just had yourself another boy!"


Murph said to the doctor, "Doc, what caused all of dem babies?"


The doctor said, "You never know Murph, it was probably something that happened during conception."


Murph said, "Ah yeah, during conception."


When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat down with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil."

She said, "Yeah, I remember dat night"

Murph said, "I'll tell you, bye, it's a fookin' good ting we didn't use dat WD-40!!"

(What I don't understand is why they have a Jamaican(sp?) accent?)

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A WEEK AT THE GYM


If you read this without laughing out loud, then there is something wrongwith you. This is dedicated to every woman who ever attempted to get into aregular workout routine.


Dear Diary...For my fiftieth birthday this year, my husband (the sweet dear) purchased me a week of personal training at the local health club. Although I am still in great shape (from playing on my high school softball team), I decided itwould be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Bruce, who described himself as a 26 year old aerobics instructor, and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My husband seemed pleased with my sudden enthusiasm to get started. Well, the club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress, so here it goes:


Monday: Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting for me. He is something of a Greek God - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the machines. He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to him in his Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring. Bruce was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching fromholding it in the whole time he was around.This is going to be a FANTASTICweek!


Tuesday:I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Bruce made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air-then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Bruce's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT!!It's a whole new life for me.


Wednesday:The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Bruce was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying. My chest hurt when I got on thetreadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Bruce told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other shit too.


Thursday:Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie my shoes. Bruce took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. He sent Lars to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine-which I sank.


Friday:I hate that bastard Bruce more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic little cheerleader. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Bruce wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the &*@*#$ &*@*#$ barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna cum laude from.) The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?


Saturday:Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the *$@#&& Weather Channel.


Sunday:I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband(the BASTARD) will choose a gift for me that is fun like a root canal or a hysterectomy.