Sincere apologies for not blogging. I've had some tremendous stuff jotted down waiting to be typed for your reading pleasure and it's been put on hold.

We've had a tragedy in the family. MyLuc's grandad Mel passed away Wednesday evening. Monday Grandad Mel had surgery, Tuesday he was doing well, just had to clear up some breathing problems and Wednesday the family was told to attend at the hospital because he was sliding downhill. Wednesday dinnertime MyLuc came home and said things were looking up and at 8 Wednesday evening we got the telephone call.

This is the first death for this family. MyLuc was numb. I was numb. It was shocking. It is shocking.

It's Friday now and MyLuc and his dad and uncle are going to clean out the home where Grandad Mel has been staying. They moved him in at the beginning of the month so that professionals could keep an eye on him and make sure he's taken his meds and is eating properly.

Next Thursday is the Funeral and the wake.

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I moved in with my Grandparents when I was fifteen and out when I was almost nineteen. When Papa Cameron passed away I was in Prince George and a family friend paid for a plane ticket to get me back to Castlegar and then drove me to Trail. His passing was quick. It began at home and ended in Vancouver when he held on until my Gran could be at his side. Being the oldest of 10+ grandkids I took charge and took the little ones out of the house away from grief. Some of them understood what was going on some of them didn't. My memories of that time aren't fond because my Papa's name was mispronounced at the Memorial and I got angry and then we placed this teeny tiny box into the ground and everyone placed carnations on/around it. I did not. I was angry. Papa would not have fit into that teeny tiny box. He was 6'3" and 250+ pounds...the box was like a bakery box. Tiny. During the time following I was horrified to see just how much a key Papa was to the family. It's been almost 10 years and the family only sees each other maybe once a year and that's to see my Gran who is just waiting until her body gets tired enough.

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MyLuc has been so strong and my worry is that I have nothing to do to help him. I know that I'm his fiancee and that being here is helping but the grief that I feel that he won't show because "someone" needs to be strong is scary. We've cried and talked and laughed at stories that we have of Grandad Mel. MyLuc's mom has been telephoning every few hours to let MyLuc know what's going on. It's hard for me because unintentionally he's referring to "I" and not "we". I don't want to be in the way but I want to be there for this family. I can hug. I can listen. I can cry. I can just be there. I don't feel it's enough.

A good friend told me that I was being silly. Being there for MyLuc, holding his hand, hugging him, crying with him. Being there and letting him know that I am here can do so much.

I don't like feeling helpless.

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I just keep thinking that I won't hear "Hello Beautiful Eyes" and hear his raspy laugh as I tell him his Grandson's a goober. I will no longer be squished into a chair beside this Man who gave MyLuc so much. He will no longer laugh at being "trained" to kiss my cheek because it was totally grossing me out when he kissed me goodbye on the lips. I will miss so much Grandad Mel and his really really strong rye and gingerales.

Miss Linds...now you know where MyLuc got his "Drink" making skills from. It's not intentional really...its how he learned.

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Work has been awesome. I let the bosses know and gave my keys to one of the secretaries because I "might" not be in. I telephoned my lawyer and his wife answered. She seemed surprised that I was calling. It was almost 9. She asked if everything was okay and I said no and burst into tears. She immediately called for Tom. He understood. He said take the time to heal. Be there for MyLuc. Take care of each other. "HUGE HUGS" to you both. It was awesome.

Tom telephoned today to make sure I was doing okay. He called at 730 this morning. MyLuc and I were up. We haven't slept that much. Tom wanted to make sure I was coming in on Tuesday. I said yes. I think by Tuesday things will have settled down and perhaps MyLuc will go and stay with his Mom and give her a hand.

Tomorrow we're heading out there, returning on Sunday. It's going to be hard. We will survive.
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*HUGE GINORMOUS HUGS* If'n you've gotten this far. Thank you.