Leaving my fiancé to begin anew was hard. Harder still was leaving my cats behind. Luc and I had adopted Emma and Chloe together to give Mickey some company. When I left I chose to leave them behind. I was thinking of myself and my future and the first place that I rented did not allow pets. I absolutely grieved. I grieved for the loss of a relationship that was years long AND I grieved the loss of my cats. Sleeping alone with no night noises and no midnight cuddles n' purrs. Tragic.

Two weeks later my best friend brought me a hamster. We had been looking at small pets and I had thought to myself, yes, I do need one. Erin brought me the cutest little wee grey and white ball of fluff. He was very young and fit right in the centre of my palm. It had been explained to me that I needed to touch him alot to train him for holding. No problem. He bit me a few times but I got used to the signs. He was an absolute joy.

I decided to call him Merle, after my mothers father, my amazing awesome lovely HUGE Papa. He loved me no matter what my size or weight. Unconditionally. AND I figured I would always be bigger than Merle so that was that.

I found out through trial and error that he loved hard boiled egg, spinach, cherry tomatoes, banana, edamame, yogurt, peppers and carrots. Grapes were messy and he totally turned away from kale.

He gave me such giggles when he'd stuff his wee pouches full and try to fit upstairs to his "apartment". He looked like he was carrying those side guns that are on some warplanes...and then he couldn't figure out why he couldn't fit through the doorway. He'd lay himself flat and squeeze between the top of the cage and the apartment. I also was guilty of counting exactly how many edamame he could stuff in. I got up to 12 before I felt guilty. Shortly afterwards I watched him spit them in the pantry corner...as I came to call his hidey spot for food.

I was blessed with friends who were able to care for him when I went away. They allowed me to call whenever to check up and hear their stories of his adventures.

Erin brought him over and he stayed with her and her two guinea pigs Gabby and Kate. During this time period he moved his bed from the top of his cage as close to them as possible. Very cute.

Anna and Tommy cared for him and shortly after returning him purchased their own hamsters...who in turn had hamsters...but that's another story.

Elizabeth and Russel brought him over and Russel renamed him Ratso. He figured Merle was up all the time because he wanted a lady friend. Russel never quite figured out that giving him edamame meant the bean NOT the whole pod. But he made them smile with his antics.

Amy, Bob, Douglas and Ariel put the cage where he wouldn't be bothered. Unfortunately Ariel found out he liked grapes. So much so when I went to pick him up I had to empty his cage full. His wee belly so full of grapiness.

Putting Merle in his ball when I cleaned his cage and not watching where he was going was interesting. He'd just roll here and there but always inevitably end up in the bathroom.

He did escape twice. Both my fault. The first time I FREAKED out and blocked all spaces I thought he might have gone. I looked and looked for him..found him...sitting on the toilet brush..hanging out. The second time I didn't put the lid properly on his wall and well, found him again in the bathroom.

When June 2011 came to pass I watched, waited and tried to be prepared for his passing. I was told they only last a year. I was sad but ready. And waited, and waited. I didn't want him to die but I was ready with the knowledge that he would.

In November I realized that my wee Merle was HUGE. He fit into the palm of my hand. He was fat. I ended up taking away his apartment because watching him squeeze his body through the hole entry ruffled his fur and made me wince.

In August 2011 news came that my ex-fiancé was going to give up Emma and Chloe. Mickey had passed away and he was not giving them the attention they deserved. He wanted to know if I knew of anyone that would take them. Hell Yes, I told him, Me!

December 2, 2011 Emma and Chloe re-entered my life. I was able to have them at my apartment suite as long as I cleaned alot, did my laundry elsewhere and kept the dust and dander down. My Landlords are allergic but rather than have me leave we worked out ways to keep the allergies at bay.

I made Merle a stair to get up to the food dishes. Watching him strain to pull himself up hurt my heart. I didn't want him to break anything and after figuring out he couldn't eat through the container and that it helped not hindered his progress to his food, it was awesome as he'd sit there and check out the space around him (or so I liked to imagine).

Watching Merle, Chloe and Emma interact was interesting. They were fascinated with this small creature. I had nightmares constantly of them somehow opening his cage and eating him. Never happened.

Emma would sit next to his cage and when he went upstairs and they'd sniff each other. She got bit once and then never again went that close to watch him.

Chloe would sit next to his cage and he'd sit close to her and they'd stare at each other. I liked to imagine that they were talking about their lives...or something like that.

Whenever I would clean his cage, into his ball he would go and then the laughter would burble up like a hidden spring. He'd follow them...they'd follow him...back and forth across the floor. Every week, same motions and movements.

~~

February 21, 2011 my friend Two Cups was leaving after spending the night. I did my morning checks and routine and off I went. I celebrated the fact that one year ago I had lazer eye surgery and it was the best decision ever. I was cranky after having a bad review at the office where I'm currently working and vented and ranted to My Girly Girl that I couldn't wait to get home. I went and got a few groceries and treats for Merle. Fresh spinach.

Walking through the door I put my groceries down and went to check Merle. Looking like a Furbie he was rolled tight in the corner. I breathed on him, said his name, watched him...reached in and rolled him. My poor dude was gone. His wee body still slightly warm but his spirit had left. Closing the cage I sat on the floor and wept. I cried so hard I made myself sick. I was devastated. What now? What do I do now?

I called everyone and left messages. I didn't know what to do. Should I take him and put him in the freezer? Should I leave him there? Will he rot? How long ago did he die? Was he in pain? What was I going to do without him? He was my friend and now I was alone with my thoughts and cried.

About 10pm after speaking with friends, deep contemplation of next steps I cut some of my duck fleece fabric. I opened his cage, took one last look at his wee ears and stoked his fur, wrapped him in paper towels and then the fabric. I said a prayer knowing his spirit was gone but that I needed to communicate that I wished him well and as much edamame as he could hold. Into a Ziploc and then into the freezer.

I closed his cage and went to bed. Dragging my doll from her shelf I cuddled her close and said my nighttime prayers. Including one that had Merle meeting my Papa and their telling stories. I knew he was in a better place.

~~

Waking this morning I went about my morning routine. Altering the good mornings to not include Merle was hard. I cleaned his cage and in doing so it seemed the girls were listening for the rolling of the ball. Emma finally went to the shelf and knocked it down. They looked at me and I said that he'd gone over the rainbow bridge. Teary eyed I cleaned his cage, not putting in clean litter but leaving it instead empty.
Heading into work my spirit is calmer but my heart is still heavy.

Merle kept me sane during the years of grieving and learning. He gave me pause and reflection of my thoughts and daily purposes. He was my wee Dude. I will love him always.